To the Mom #1

How do you let your child, who is about 5'6" and 13 years old, get to be nearly 300 pounds? Your child is obese. He is so overweight that is is frighteningly unhealthy. He can't walk up a flight of stairs without getting winded. He can't be outside for more than a few minutes without sweating profusely.

How did you let this happen? Yes, YOU. As a parent, you buy the food. As a parent, you set an example for activity and exercise. While staying with us, Kid has eaten what we eat. He was so excited about how tasty a salad is. It was just one of those salad-in-a-bag things & he acted like it was a delicacy. He had a peach & was so thrilled it was like he'd never tasted one before. He'll eat bananas all day long if we don't limit him to one or two. Obviously, he will eat healthy food if given the choice. So... what in the world are you feeding him? You buy the groceries so it is obvious that you are not buying healthy food. Treats are great every once in a while but it is not healthy to let him stay obese.

You are also not getting him to be active. The boy loves to swim! He's gone nearly every day he's been here. He will go for walks if asked. He likes the activity and the time to himself. So... why aren't you encouraging this? Why aren't you being active WITH him like we are? He lost several pounds within the first week he was here! You should have seen the smile on his face when he saw that the number on the scale was less!

His self esteem is so low & it is clear that this is mostly due to his size. Want to help him be happier & feel better about himself? HELP him to lose weight. It isn't hard. Yes, I am overweight (but not obese) but I make my choices. I buy my food. So, if I eat unhealthy things, that's my own fault. I have also lost 40 pounds in the last few years by eating better & being active. Yes, the Kid's dad is overweight. Same deal: it's his choice. But, Kid does not have that choice. He doesn't buy the food, YOU do. If you bought healthy food and limited what he eats and got him to be even a little active, he would drop pounds like crazy. He would feel great about himself and be happier.

Is there a reason you let him be this big & keep him that way?

Not yet

Before Kid came to visit, I was terrified of him. All I'd heard were horror stories of "meltdowns" and outbursts, destruction and violence. All of this coming directly from the Mom. There was never any mention of good things he did, only bad. To say that I was apprehensive about him staying with us is an understatement. I was scared to even meet the boy! I took all of my antiques and items I was afraid of getting broken to our storage unit before he got here for fear of something being destroyed.

Well, so far I've spent a total of about 3 weeks with Kid and... I haven't seen one outburst (knock on wood!!). I've seen a kid who is willing to be helpful when asked. I've seen a kid cry because he broke a glass & was afraid of being in trouble. I've seen a teenager who was nice enough to help me straighten the living room today just because I asked. I don't expect that Kid will be a perfect angel for two months. That would be crazy. Kids mess up. Kids misbehave. Kids choose not to listen, etc. That's life. But, so far, so good.

I haven't yet seen the behavioral problems that this visit is supposed to change. What does this mean? It leads me to believe that the Mom is the impetus of the problems. Remove Mom from the picture and magically there's no problems. Interesting. Perhaps the Mom has an unrealistic idea of how life with a child is supposed to be or a messed up definition of "meltdown" or "behavior problem". I don't know. What I do know is there's a normal 13 year old in my house & I haven't seen yet what Mom wants to change.

Yeah, I'm good.

According to Kid, my banana bread is better than his Mom's. My chili is better than his Mom's. Apparently, Mom can't cook. I'm sorry (or not), but that makes me laugh.

Also, it made me smile last night when he called his mom and was all "Yay, salad! We're having salad and it is SO good! I could eat it all the time!". Hehe, it's salad-in-a-bag. Obviously, he doesn't get even remotely healthy stuff at home. He's been enjoying salad & fruit at our house like it is a brand new, amazing revelation. What the hell has she been feeding him?!

You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.

I'd had some posts planned but the Mom said some really stupid things that I just have to write about. Husband showed me some texts so I don't have context as to where all this came from or what brought it on. This woman seems to fly off the handle with no provocation so who knows. The text right before is perfectly civil then, out of the blue, Mom has decided to start calling Husband a "bully". In the series of texts from yesterday, she used the word no less than 7 times. (This is after her "boyfriend" started using the word incessantly so... take that for what it's worth).

How was Husband being a bully, you ask? Oh Em Gee, he disciplined the kid! And do you know what horrible discipline he enacted? Kid had to walk up & down our stairs 5 times (FYI- Kid is very overweight so we are trying to help him lose weight, which he wants to do. Another post for another time). Once, his iPad was taken off the network as a punishment too. Sweet baby Jesus, how will the Kid survive! Okay, so enough sarcasm. My point is, and has been for some time, that kids need, respect and respond to rules. Sure, it's no fun to be the "bad guy" and say no or punish, but that is how kids learn. They learn right from wrong. They learn manners, respect, and how to treat other people. It may not be immediately evident but they WILL appreciate it & be better people for it in the long run. No rules (for example, Mom sees no point in teaching him manners, like "yes sir" or please & thank you. I'm not kidding) have taught the Kid that he can do whatever he wants, get out of anything he doesn't want to do & that anything & everything will be done for him & given to him. How does the Mom expect him to be a productive member of society with that kind of attitude?

At this rate, Kid be living with his Mom forever! Honestly, I think this may have occurred to her & that's the reason she insisted that he come stay with us. The problem with this is that she wants to still have control over every moment of Kid's life while he is staying here. The supposed purpose of Kid's visit was to "do something" about his behavior (again, another post for another day) & for him to spend time with his dad. Mom ostensibly wants changes to occur in Kid but she wants it all done her way. Well... her way hasn't worked, obviously. If her way worked, she wouldn't have sent Kid to stay with us. She makes threats & ultimatums. For example, Kid jumped in the pool with his phone in his pocket. Mom texted that Husband had "2 days" to get Kid another phone. Ya know what? If most kids did that, they would be in trouble & without a phone for a while! My parents would have made me save up to buy a replacement. There are other phones for Kid to call his Mom on! Anyway, point is, she wants some magical change to occur in Kid while she micromanages from afar. That's not going to work.

Also, Husband has told Kid that he has some work for him to help with. This work, so far, has involved using power tools (FUN for a 13 yr old, right?) and helping him put up one shelf-type-thing in a structure in our storage. They've done a few other projects together but this was the most labor intensive so far. Having Kid do work (not slave labor, not 12 hour days... just simple things that he is helping with) is also "bullying" him according to Mom. She actually said that Husband needs to find a positive way to make Kid "want" to work. Um... he's 13 years old. Thirteen year olds do not want to work! They want to sit on the couch & play video games all day. Hell, I'm 41 and I want to sit on the couch instead of work! But, Kid is not learning any kind of work ethic or skills by being indulged & pampered in this way! I agree that positive reinforcement is good. When I got home, I made sure to emphasize that it must have been cool to play with power tools, I wish I could have done that, etc. And ya know what? Kid smiled. He wrote in his journal that it was FUN. But you can't expect a teenage boy to want to work. Ain't gonna happen. When I was a kid, we got woken up early (and not gently) on weekends to do yard & house work. We didn't want to! We knew it had to be done, these were the rules, and we did it. I don't think that is so unusual!

It just boggles my mind that Mom doesn't see that rules & consequences are necessary or that tasks & chores are a good thing for kids. That is like Parenting 101, right? I'm also confused by the fact that she has given Kid no structure for 13 years, doesn't get that this is her fault (she gave Husband little to no contact with Kid) and now expects Husband to affect this great change then send Kid back to the same no-rules environment. And, I know, if she does see a change when Kid comes back home, she will give Husband no credit at all & not listen to any advice on what we did to make the change happen. I've said it before & I'll keep saying it: I have no sympathy for Mom, only for Kid.
 

Aha!

I made Kid laugh! I was just being a goofball and, instead of slyly tugging my underwear out of my butt, I made it a grand gesture & made a joke out of it. Kid giggled & it was awesome! Then, each time I said something else about making him laugh, he laughed more.

I love making people laugh, it is one of my missions in life. So, I vow to make Kid laugh daily. As many moments as possible, I will make Kid laugh.

Here we go...

My husband has a son who is 13 years old. We'll call this son Kid for the purposes of this blog which I will make every attempt to keep anonymous. Due to Kid's mother, Husband has seen Kid only a handful of times in the last 8 years. I only met him for the first time a few weeks ago! Kid's Mom (who I will henceforth call BM, short for Baby Mama) suddenly decided that Kid was going to come from the Midwest to our home in Colorado for the rest of the summer... over 2 months. Long story short, we didn't really have a way to say no.

I have no children (although I've had a lot of experience with other people's kids) and this unexpected disruption in our lives, not to mention strain on our finances (as BM sees no reason why she should still get child support while Kid is in our care), has put a lot of stress on me. I decided to get it all out, rather than letting it eat away at my sanity, and write my thoughts, feelings, worries, experiences, etc. in this blog.

I don't expect that BM will ever see this (although I don't really care if she does). I'm writing for my benefit only. Kid has been here for a little over a week and I've had night after night of my brain not "shutting off" and letting me sleep, mulling over all my thoughts & concerns. So, I'm going to try to get it all out here rather than stew.

I plan to write my posts as letters from the step-mom. I guess they'll be letters directed at the BM but, even if  she does ever find this, I know she won't listen or take any of my words to heart. I wish she would, for the sake of Kid, but that's out of my control. I have no sympathy or care for BM. I do feel sorry for Kid & hope that his time with us makes an impact. If I start with specifics now, this post will become novel-length so I'll let it all come out as I go.

I will moderate comments & I'm not sure if I'll publish them or not. I don't expect anyone to read this, much less comment. But, comments are welcome if anyone does find this, what will probably be weird & confusing, blog. So, I guess that more or less explains my purpose. Much more to come!

*Edit: I've decided using BM for Baby Mama is just going to get confusing later so I'll use the Mom. So the cast of characters is Kid, Husband (mine), Mom and Stepmom (me).