I'd had some posts planned but the Mom said some really stupid things that I just have to write about. Husband showed me some texts so I don't have context as to where all this came from or what brought it on. This woman seems to fly off the handle with no provocation so who knows. The text right before is perfectly civil then, out of the blue, Mom has decided to start calling Husband a "bully". In the series of texts from yesterday, she used the word no less than 7 times. (This is after her "boyfriend" started using the word incessantly so... take that for what it's worth).
How was Husband being a bully, you ask? Oh Em Gee, he disciplined the kid! And do you know what horrible discipline he enacted? Kid had to walk up & down our stairs 5 times (FYI- Kid is very overweight so we are trying to help him lose weight, which he wants to do. Another post for another time). Once, his iPad was taken off the network as a punishment too. Sweet baby Jesus, how will the Kid survive! Okay, so enough sarcasm. My point is, and has been for some time, that kids need, respect and respond to rules. Sure, it's no fun to be the "bad guy" and say no or punish, but that is how kids learn. They learn right from wrong. They learn manners, respect, and how to treat other people. It may not be immediately evident but they WILL appreciate it & be better people for it in the long run. No rules (for example, Mom sees no point in teaching him manners, like "yes sir" or please & thank you. I'm not kidding) have taught the Kid that he can do whatever he wants, get out of anything he doesn't want to do & that anything & everything will be done for him & given to him. How does the Mom expect him to be a productive member of society with that kind of attitude?
At this rate, Kid be living with his Mom forever! Honestly, I think this may have occurred to her & that's the reason she insisted that he come stay with us. The problem with this is that she wants to still have control over every moment of Kid's life while he is staying here. The supposed purpose of Kid's visit was to "do something" about his behavior (again, another post for another day) & for him to spend time with his dad. Mom ostensibly wants changes to occur in Kid but she wants it all done her way. Well... her way hasn't worked, obviously. If her way worked, she wouldn't have sent Kid to stay with us. She makes threats & ultimatums. For example, Kid jumped in the pool with his phone in his pocket. Mom texted that Husband had "2 days" to get Kid another phone. Ya know what? If most kids did that, they would be in trouble & without a phone for a while! My parents would have made me save up to buy a replacement. There are other phones for Kid to call his Mom on! Anyway, point is, she wants some magical change to occur in Kid while she micromanages from afar. That's not going to work.
Also, Husband has told Kid that he has some work for him to help with. This work, so far, has involved using power tools (FUN for a 13 yr old, right?) and helping him put up one shelf-type-thing in a structure in our storage. They've done a few other projects together but this was the most labor intensive so far. Having Kid do work (not slave labor, not 12 hour days... just simple things that he is helping with) is also "bullying" him according to Mom. She actually said that Husband needs to find a positive way to make Kid "want" to work. Um... he's 13 years old. Thirteen year olds do not want to work! They want to sit on the couch & play video games all day. Hell, I'm 41 and I want to sit on the couch instead of work! But, Kid is not learning any kind of work ethic or skills by being indulged & pampered in this way! I agree that positive reinforcement is good. When I got home, I made sure to emphasize that it must have been cool to play with power tools, I wish I could have done that, etc. And ya know what? Kid smiled. He wrote in his journal that it was FUN. But you can't expect a teenage boy to want to work. Ain't gonna happen. When I was a kid, we got woken up early (and not gently) on weekends to do yard & house work. We didn't want to! We knew it had to be done, these were the rules, and we did it. I don't think that is so unusual!
It just boggles my mind that Mom doesn't see that rules & consequences are necessary or that tasks & chores are a good thing for kids. That is like Parenting 101, right? I'm also confused by the fact that she has given Kid no structure for 13 years, doesn't get that this is her fault (she gave Husband little to no contact with Kid) and now expects Husband to affect this great change then send Kid back to the same no-rules environment. And, I know, if she does see a change when Kid comes back home, she will give Husband no credit at all & not listen to any advice on what we did to make the change happen. I've said it before & I'll keep saying it: I have no sympathy for Mom, only for Kid.
How was Husband being a bully, you ask? Oh Em Gee, he disciplined the kid! And do you know what horrible discipline he enacted? Kid had to walk up & down our stairs 5 times (FYI- Kid is very overweight so we are trying to help him lose weight, which he wants to do. Another post for another time). Once, his iPad was taken off the network as a punishment too. Sweet baby Jesus, how will the Kid survive! Okay, so enough sarcasm. My point is, and has been for some time, that kids need, respect and respond to rules. Sure, it's no fun to be the "bad guy" and say no or punish, but that is how kids learn. They learn right from wrong. They learn manners, respect, and how to treat other people. It may not be immediately evident but they WILL appreciate it & be better people for it in the long run. No rules (for example, Mom sees no point in teaching him manners, like "yes sir" or please & thank you. I'm not kidding) have taught the Kid that he can do whatever he wants, get out of anything he doesn't want to do & that anything & everything will be done for him & given to him. How does the Mom expect him to be a productive member of society with that kind of attitude?
At this rate, Kid be living with his Mom forever! Honestly, I think this may have occurred to her & that's the reason she insisted that he come stay with us. The problem with this is that she wants to still have control over every moment of Kid's life while he is staying here. The supposed purpose of Kid's visit was to "do something" about his behavior (again, another post for another day) & for him to spend time with his dad. Mom ostensibly wants changes to occur in Kid but she wants it all done her way. Well... her way hasn't worked, obviously. If her way worked, she wouldn't have sent Kid to stay with us. She makes threats & ultimatums. For example, Kid jumped in the pool with his phone in his pocket. Mom texted that Husband had "2 days" to get Kid another phone. Ya know what? If most kids did that, they would be in trouble & without a phone for a while! My parents would have made me save up to buy a replacement. There are other phones for Kid to call his Mom on! Anyway, point is, she wants some magical change to occur in Kid while she micromanages from afar. That's not going to work.
Also, Husband has told Kid that he has some work for him to help with. This work, so far, has involved using power tools (FUN for a 13 yr old, right?) and helping him put up one shelf-type-thing in a structure in our storage. They've done a few other projects together but this was the most labor intensive so far. Having Kid do work (not slave labor, not 12 hour days... just simple things that he is helping with) is also "bullying" him according to Mom. She actually said that Husband needs to find a positive way to make Kid "want" to work. Um... he's 13 years old. Thirteen year olds do not want to work! They want to sit on the couch & play video games all day. Hell, I'm 41 and I want to sit on the couch instead of work! But, Kid is not learning any kind of work ethic or skills by being indulged & pampered in this way! I agree that positive reinforcement is good. When I got home, I made sure to emphasize that it must have been cool to play with power tools, I wish I could have done that, etc. And ya know what? Kid smiled. He wrote in his journal that it was FUN. But you can't expect a teenage boy to want to work. Ain't gonna happen. When I was a kid, we got woken up early (and not gently) on weekends to do yard & house work. We didn't want to! We knew it had to be done, these were the rules, and we did it. I don't think that is so unusual!
It just boggles my mind that Mom doesn't see that rules & consequences are necessary or that tasks & chores are a good thing for kids. That is like Parenting 101, right? I'm also confused by the fact that she has given Kid no structure for 13 years, doesn't get that this is her fault (she gave Husband little to no contact with Kid) and now expects Husband to affect this great change then send Kid back to the same no-rules environment. And, I know, if she does see a change when Kid comes back home, she will give Husband no credit at all & not listen to any advice on what we did to make the change happen. I've said it before & I'll keep saying it: I have no sympathy for Mom, only for Kid.
No comments:
Post a Comment