Home again, home again!

The Kid is now back with the Mom. Husband left our house Thursday night & dropped Kid off on Friday night. This is a few days earlier than was originally agreed upon. I think the original date was like tomorrow or something so, after just under two months away, a few days shouldn't be a concern, right?

Well, when dealing with the Mom, everything is a concern. Nothing is "okay" when it doesn't follow her plan (or idea of what the plan should be, whether she communicated this idea to anyone or not). It's her way or she has a hissy fit. So, instead of being glad to see her son or pleasantly surprised at the early return (suggested first by the Kid because he understandably missed his home & mother), she got mad. And not just a little upset, oh no! She immediately began yelling about how the return of her child has messed up HER plans! Never mind anyone else, her life has been inconvenienced! So, she began yelling and throwing things (breaking a laptop gifted from Husband to Kid in the process!) instead of being happy to see her child.

I have no idea what her plans might have been and, yes, she was not aware that Kid was coming back early. So, I understand being annoyed at the change. But to have a childish temper tantrum in front of the Kid? Immature & unacceptable in my opinion. Go ahead & yell at Husband (he's used to you doing it) but not in front of your child who has missed you & is happy to be back with you! How do you think that made Kid feel?

The Mom had just under two months without her child & she seems to have taken this time as a vacation & time to party it up. I think this is understandable to a degree. She hasn't allowed the Kid spend any time away from her, at least not with us, for any length of time so she does deserve a break. She deserves to have some fun. The issue that I take with this is that she has, MANY times, expressed that she has no money, can't afford anything (although she still received child support while we had the Kid even though it states in the DFS rules that she must notify them if the Kid is in Husband's custody for over 30 days... but that's another story) & can't take time any off work because her job is in jeopardy. However, she took four trips while Kid was with us. Four. FOUR!

I understand that the trips may have been paid for my her "boyfriend" or her father (who apparently gives her anything she asks for, from what Kid has told us... again, unprompted & unasked).  But, she definitely did take time off work. So obviously her job can't be in that much jeopardy, right? Also, who has ever taken a trip, even if it was paid for by someone else, & hasn't spent at least a little of their own money? Souvenirs, food, whatever. So she had at least a little money to take these trips. FOUR trips to four different parts of the country!

What really irritates me is that the Mom lies. Many things that she says turn out to be untrue. She "can't" take time off work to help get her child out to us or back home but will do it no problem to go see Pearl Jam in Chicago. She has "no" money to help get her child here or home or to help with basics like food (again, while she is still getting child support) but has money to have fun.

Again, I get that the Mom deserves a break & to have some fun. She finally allowed Kid to have time with his father, which is awesome! I wish I had the money to go to Chicago or the other places she went (I can't remember where it was right now). What bothers me most is the lies & deception. Lying from anyone bothers me but the Mom lying affects the Kid negatively & he's learning that behavior from her example and that's just not right.

Over already?

Husband is leaving to take Kid back to the Mom tomorrow. I can't believe almost 2 months has flown by! I'm sure I'll have many more thoughts about the visit as time passes & I look back on it.

As I said before, I was totally scared of the Kid before he came. I'd heard so many times about him having "meltdowns" and "tantrums". Well, he didn't have a single one in the last two months. Not one. I asked Husband if any happened with just him & Kid & he confirmed zero. I think it is pretty clear that the "meltdowns" have at least something to do with the Mom. She makes it sound like it is a daily occurrence with her & then not a single one for 2 months with us? Hmm...

I had been planning to talk to Kid about his behavior at school. He told me (without prompting & with no embarrassment at all) that he's been expelled from every school he's been in. He also said that he purposely got expelled from the last one. I wanted to know why he had violent tantrums & apparently "destroyed" a room at the last school. What purpose did this serve? Didn't he see that it only got him in trouble? I honestly didn't understand how he couldn't see that just doing what he's told is easier. So, last night I took the opportunity to talk to the Kid about it. I just hoped that maybe a new person (Husband says he responds better to me, too) saying things in a different way could sink in.

What the Kid told me was very surprising. Now, I don't know if I can 100% believe every word of what he said (kids exaggerate sometimes, ya know?) but, if even half of what he said is true, it sounds pretty bad. I really just wanted to express that temper tantrums don't solve anything & he'll never finish school if he keeps getting expelled & maybe find something to say that might make a difference. What I heard is that at his most recent school, which he attended for three years, he was violently attacked by other students, restrained by staff and locked in a windowless room by staff on many occasions.

I understand that in alternative school settings for students with behavioral issues, restraining & isolating is something that occasionally needs to be done. It's sad & I hate that its true but I know it happens. Kid said that the reason he destroyed a room is because he was finally fed up with the school and couldn't take it anymore. He said that on one occasion, several other students had him pinned to the ground & were punching him before staff came in. I asked the Kid if he talked to the principal, he said yes & that she didn't do anything. I doubt she didn't do anything but obviously whatever she did do wasn't enough.

The part that broke my heart was when I asked the Kid if he told his Mom about it. He said that yes, on many occasions, he told his mom & even threatened suicide once in her presence & Mom didn't do anything about the school situation. I don't know if she actually did anything or not. I would hope that she would talk to the teacher, principal, somebody about what was actually going on. But it was just so sad to see the Kid talk about it because I could tell that he felt let down by his own Mother. He felt like she didn't do anything to help him.

As I've said, I don't know how much of what the Kid said is true. I don't know what the school staff or his Mom actually did. But, looking in the Kid's eyes, I could tell he's hurting. He even talked about how at one school he was given extra books to take home & he liked that because he "felt like a real person". In his last school, he was made to not feel like a real person!

He seems really excited about the school he'll be starting next week (I looked it up online & it seems like a great place!). He couldn't stop talking about how cool the library is! So we talked about how it doesn't make sense to have tantrums, getting mad doesn't help, he needs to finish school if he wants to do all the cool things he talks about for his future and he promised me that he would try really hard to make this school work. I hope SO much that he can do that. I want this Kid to succeed! He can be so sweet & loving & helpful and he's smart & funny & can be a  hard worker if motivated. I hope what I said makes a difference, even if it is a teensy tiny one.

I know he can be successful if he can get over some hurdles. It really sucks that one of the biggest hurdles is his own Mom.

To the Mom #3

Okay, so, here's the thing: your child is not Autistic. You continue to tell people, and Kid, that he is Autistic but he is not. I've heard since I've known Husband that Kid is Autistic but, after just a few days with him, I could tell that he's not.  

Let me say now that I'm not denying that Autism is a thing. There are plenty of children who do have it, all over the spectrum. They deal with it every minute of their lives, as do their parents. I actually think it is an insult to those kids & parents that you continue to say Kid is Autistic when he really isn't.

Kid displays NONE of the behaviors on any level of the Autism Spectrum. For example, a well known symptom with many Autistic people is lack of eye contact. Kid makes direct eye contact with us all the time. When I say his name, he immediately looks at me in the eye. A second well known symptom is lack of physical contact. Well... the first time I met Kid, he came out of the house & immediately gave me a big hug. He asks for hugs constantly. These are both very stereotypical ideas of how Autism is but they are glaringly absent in Kid.

I'm not only going by my own opinion & research on this. For one, several people who were with us over the weekend & interacted with Kid noted that he did not display any Autism characteristics (including a teacher who specializes in that sort of thing). Secondly, I was able to read through the packet of documents (written diagnoses & recommendations from several doctors as well as documents from his school including an "Individual Education Plan") that you sent along with Kid. I'm not really clear as to why you sent it except that maybe you wanted us to only look at the document on top: the one document that declares Autism.

I put in date order & read carefully through all of the documents you sent. I researched terms & tests that I wasn't familiar with. What I saw is that one test given by one doctor when Kid was 5 years old is the one that diagnosed Autism. Then, in each document I read after that, several doctors and the school documented that Kid does NOT have Autism. There is not one diagnosis of it after that one when he was five. The one diagnosis that does keep coming up & seems to be what he actually has is ODD (Oppositional Defiant Disorder). This is the diagnosis that you should be concentrating on. It is very clear, from even the short Wikipedia definition, that this is what Kid is struggling with, not Autism.

I wonder if you understand how much you are hurting your child by continuing to perpetrate a false diagnosis. For one, you are giving him an "excuse" to act in a certain way. Rather than learning to act as he should, he acts as he wants & blames it on a condition. This is clear. Secondly, you have branded him with a label that will follow him for the rest of his life, or until he realizes that it isn't true. My instinct is that he will discover that it isn't true and then you are in for a world of hurt. That boy is going to be so mad at you, if not truly hate you, for doing this to him.

Another term I'd really like for you to look at is Munchausen syndrome by proxy.  Just sayin'.

Want some cheese with that?

Continuing with the annoyance thing: kids whine. Hell, people in generally whine but kids are like virtuosos. Certainly not all children are continuously complaining. Some have been taught not to or naturally know to only do it occasionally. But, in general, kids whine.

When Kid came to stay with us, he was King Whinington of Whineland. Two out of every three sentences he spoke were said in that high pitched, slow "but Mom, I don't waaannaaa" voice, whimpering about something. He complained about anything & everything. There was no time for thought, it was automatic. He instinctively whined.

Fortunately, he doesn't grumble nearly as much as he did. Why not? Well, that's simple: it doesn't work on us. We don't give in to it. An example: after a short camping trip, while unpacking, his pillow fell on the ground & got wet. He picked it up and starting crying. Seriously, the smooshed up, "I'm going to bawl" face that toddlers make. So I said (and this is verbatim) "it's not the end of the world. I'll dry it, use a different pillow tonight". Instantly, the tears & cry-face vanished, he picked up a different pillow & went to bed. He's learned that the whimpering doesn't do anything so he's quit doing it (for the most part). Another example: Husband was going to take Kid to help him to some light carpentry. Kid immediately complained. I said "you get to play with power tools. I wish I could go". Whiny face gone, excitement ensued.

This tells me that when he's at home, whining works. He wouldn't do it if it didn't benefit him. In fact, Kid told us as much. He was talking about something or other that he wanted and said, unprompted, that he could get it from his grandpa by asking "like this" and gave us a demonstration of his pouty, whining plea. So, obviously, this is something practiced that he knows will get him his way. The Kid knows how to get what he wants, does it, it works... that reinforces the idea in his head & he will keep on doing it.

It took relatively little time & effort for us to cut the whining to a minimum. It wasn't that hard. Kid saw that we weren't having it & quit. Sure, he still bitches sometimes. But it's normal to hear a gripe now & then when you tell a child to go to bed or do the dishes. That's not unusual. But, when it happens All. Day. Long. for every little thing... then it's a problem. 

It's going to be a very hard lesson for him when he gets out in the big boy world & no one wants to hear him whine. He can't walk into a business & gripe like a baby until they give him a job. Pouting doesn't get you a raise. He's in for a very rude awakening... and that's not his fault. It is his Mother's (and obviously his grandfather's too) fault.

If the Mom would just be strong & say "too bad, this is what we're eating" or "I'm watching this show right now, you can watch something later", the whining would diminish greatly. Cut that whine off at the pass! Teach the Kid that life isn't always easy and you don't get what you want all the time. It's a valuable lesson that most people learn early.

Sure, it might be hard to say "no" now but it will benefit the Kid in the long run. You are the parent. You have to prepare your child for the real world where whining gets you nowhere.

I come from a very large family (over 30 cousins, most of which have children and even a few grandchildren) so I have had kids of varying ages around me my entire life. Therefore, I can say from experience with a degree of certainty that kids can be annoying. I may be alone in this (I doubt it) but I find most kids between the ages of about 10 to 15 to be incredibly annoying. They do a quality job of grating on my nerves! Of course, I do not let them know that they are irritating. I do my very best imitation of someone who is thoroughly interested in every word they say... and they say a LOT.

Kids that age do so much talking it's actually kind of impressive. It is a virtually endless stream of thoughts, ideas, facts, fantasies, tattling, etc. that no one cares about except that child. Some of it may be interesting to another child of the same age but of very little concern to an adult, generally. I never ever let the kid feel like it isn't interesting, however. I give at least the requisite number of "oohs", "aahs", questions and comments so that they feel that I am listening & I am very interested. I think that, even if I don't care one bit about what they are babbling on about, it is important for a child to feel like they are listened to and that what they say is valuable. Of course, very often, kids do say very interesting, thoughtful, funny, genuine things!

Kids also like to show you things that only they care about or think are cool. Well, it isn't always something that isn't cool to anyone else. My step son showed me how this one dude in his iPad game farts & that was pretty hilarious. But, a lot of the time, the "hey, look at this!" or "see what I can do?" is followed by something not at all impressive. But, again, I don't let the kids see that! Their interests & abilities need to be validated & appreciated. Even if they try & fail at something they want you to see, it is still vital that you let them know that it is so cool that they tried & they should try again! What if, say, a little girl tried to do a cartwheel & an adult laughed when she fell? How horrible, right? But if that adult were to say "wow! you almost got it! that's so great, want to try again?", the child would feel good about the effort & hopefully want to keep trying. I may not truly care whether or not a kid gets to the next level of whatever video game they are playing but I'll sure as hell give them encouragement!

Honestly, I have heard the Kid's mother do this. I have heard her give a few nuggets of positive reinforcement. When Kid was super excited that he'd lost 20 pounds (in just the first month he was here!) she did give him some genuine words of praise. I honestly hope that this wasn't a rare occurrence. I hope she does that a LOT.

I have never felt particularly maternal. I was never one of those little girls who played house & dreamed about having children. I did ponder the idea of children for a long time & thought "maybe someday..." but a few years ago, I finally came to the realization and said, out loud, that I don't want kids. I love other people's kids! I like hanging around my family & all the little ones. Generally, kids think I'm pretty cool, too. But, I don't feel any desire at all to be pregnant or to have a little life in my care. But, I've picked up enough along the way to know that even though kids can aggravate the crap out of me, I can't let them know it.

What I've learned from having a 13 year old in my home for over a month is that I actually do have patience. I always thought I was an impatient person. I can't stand waiting for things! But, I've realized that's just it... I'm impatient with things. I don't like to wait. But, I am incredibly patient with people. I can deal with babbling nonsense, looking at things that aren't interesting, overlook occasional rudeness, etc. I realized that I do the same thing with adult people. I'm actually quite patient with coworkers who may or may not deserve that patience!

It is pretty cool to discover that patience IS a virtue I possess in some degree. I also didn't expect to learn something new about myself.

To the Mom #2

Yesterday, you demonstrated (again) that you don't seem to understand the concept of punishment: what it is, how it works & how it benefits a child. So, let's start by going over the particular event in question as it actually happened in real life.

Kid didn't finish his chicken at dinner, was told he had to finish it before he had any other food.  Moments later, Kid comes out & says he finished the chicken. Husband asks "what did you do with the bones?" (valid question with pets in the house) and Kid, eyes downcast, doesn't answer. Husband asks "did you really finish the chicken?" and Kid admits that he lied. Kid lied, lying is wrong, he was then punished for lying (not for not finishing his dinner. Although, I remember being made to sit at the dinner table until my plate was clean more than once as a child. Many good parents have done this to many good kids over many good years, and still do! Starving kids in Africa & all that... but, I digress).

While Kid has been here, punishments have been his iPad removed from WiFi (i.e. without internet for a period of time), sent to bed, a few basic "time-outs" (nose to the wall for a few minutes) and given "stairs". What "stairs" means is that Kid is given a number of times (usually 5, not an excessive amount) to walk (not "run". Trust me, he goes as slowly as he can!) up & down the stairs to our second floor condo. This is the punishment he was given last night. He had to walk up & down the stairs five times. That's it.

After this particular event & punishment happened, you texted my Husband. Among your rambling mass of texts, you claimed that you "filed a child abuse report" because of this. I'm going to ignore all the other weirdness of that & just focus on one word. Clearly, you are also confused about the word "abuse". Let's go to the dictionary (I love merriamwebster.com, can you tell?). 

Definition of ABUSE

1: a corrupt practice or custom

2: improper or excessive use or treatment

3 obsolete : a deceitful act

4: language that condemns or vilifies usually unjustly, intemperately, and angrily

5: physical maltreatment 

I think anyone would agree that a child walking up & down stairs, at his own snail's pace, no more than 5 times, is not corrupt, improper, excessive or maltreatment. It is physical, which actually helps the Kid's desire to lose weight, but it is certainly not "abuse". Kids being punched, kicked, starved, locked in closets, etc... THAT is abuse. Your child is not being abused.

What it is is a consequence (you can look that one up for yourself) for his actions. That's what punishment is: a consequence for an action. By using punishment, children learn that their are repercussions for what they do & say. In the same way, Kid has learned that the good consequence of getting a little money comes from his action of agreeing to walk our neighbors' dog when she asked him. He also now loves helping his Dad build stuff because he knows the consequence is that he gets to use fun power tools. It goes both ways.

Kids do not magically know that "lying is wrong, I shouldn't do that" or "I was told not to touch that, I shouldn't touch it anymore" or "if I help with this then I get to do that fun thing". They need to be taught these things. As a mother, it is part of your job to teach your child these things. He has learned while he has been with us but his behavior will not change (which is ostensibly why you sent him here) if you do not stick with it. Consequences, good and bad, teach children SO many things and can be something as simple as taking the internet away for a bit or, god forbid, walking some stairs. 

If you think that walking stairs is "abuse", I really wonder what YOU do to punish or correct the Kid. Anything?

Great Parenting

I may have written this before but the first & only time I've met the Mom, she stood with her arms crossed, didn't look me in the eye & shortly said "Hi". That's it. No other words were spoken between her & me. At the time, we'd just come from a wedding & I was wearing a pretty, flowy dress & maybe a bit of a heel (I'm 5' 11" barefoot). The dress is sleeveless so my many beautiful tattoos (almost half sleeve on one arm & several on the other) were very visible. I had make up on & my hair in a cute up do. This may seem superfluous information but it will become important in a moment.

I found out yesterday that the Mom said that I am a "manly bitch" and a "biker whore". Okay, first thing: I am none of these things. Anyone who knows me knows that these assessments are about as far from accurate as one could possibly get. Let's take it word by word.

Manly: this must be because I'm tall. That's the only reason I can figure since I have womanly hips & fairly big boobs. There's nothing manly about my face, no way I could pass for a dude. I have broad shoulders, I guess, but they are in proportion to the rest of my body. Anyway, moving on...

Bitch: definition from MerriamWebster.com: "a lewd or immoral woman" or "a malicious, spiteful, or overbearing woman". All I can say is that this is the antithesis of me. I am about the nicest person you could meet. I'm not saying that to be prideful, I just am not mean. I don't say or do hurtful things. I don't even curse! I suppose it was a tad spiteful to remark that her calling me this is like the "pot calling the kettle black" but then realizing I'm neither so she's the pot & I'm like a teflon pan. It was funny... guess you had to be there.

Biker: yeah, I've never even been on a motorcycle. Obviously, this is a remark about the tattoos. My tattoos are beautiful & I don't care if anyone doesn't like them or misjudges me because of them. Funny thing is, my mother rides a motorcycle and has no tattoos. And she's my role model for unbitchiness (yeah, I made up a word)!

Whore: again, let's go to the dictionary: "a woman who engages in sexual acts for money" (duh, obviously not) or "a venal or unscrupulous person". So, yeah... I guess just look back at my comments about "bitch".

I think it is pretty clear that these things were said out of spite, jealousy, anger, whatever. At first, I laughed at the sheer ridiculousness of these remarks. Because the assessment of me is so very wrong, it's actually pretty hilarious. But then, I went for my walk & thought about it the whole time. I didn't think about the remarks themselves, really. I thought about the kicker: the Mom said this TO her child. Yup, that's right! This woman said these things to her 13 year old son. Let that sink in.

So, I thought about this while I was walking & when I got back, I told the Kid that, although we laughed about it, it really isn't cool to call people names, including people you don't even know. We talked about how it hurts when someone calls you names so it really isn't nice to call other people names & hurt their feelings. Treat others how you wish to be treated, that sort of thing. The Kid agreed and understood and told me that I'm beautiful and not a bitch!

Unfortunately, although I'm glad we talked about it, I know that actions speak louder than words. I could talk til I'm blue in the face about a favorable way to act but the Kid is here for a relatively short time. He'll soon go back to seeing/hearing his own mother exhibiting this poor behavior. She is creating a really bad example for him to follow and there's nothing we can do about that.

Again, I end up feeling sorry for the Kid.